| "she is struggling for a life-raft while you're sailing away." |
[07 Dec 2009|05:00pm] |
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dear friends, relatives, lurkers, haters, supporters and ex-girlfriends,
this will be my last post in reference to my most recent breakup. i feel the time and effort and words have become nothing more than self-serving and redundant. sure, i use this blog to vent/mock/dispose and it really has helped me mourn the loss but i cant move on if i dwell on this much longer.
now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let me say this: i figured it would get ugly. i mean, really. did anyone think it wouldnt? i knew the lies and accusations would come flying and i have done my best to weather the storm the best i could under the circumstances. call me a liar, a fraud, a coward... call me anything you like, thats fine, ive always been able to roll with the punches. but what you are not, nor EVER allowed to call me or even allude to is that i have ever hit a woman. to make vague statements that you know will be taken as an accusation of me being violent are not only 100% untrue but telling of a desperate and sad character that i am more than happy to have put distance between.
my hand to god/vishnu/allah/satan, and may god strike down princess gia if i am lying: never, have i ever hit a woman. (well, there was that crazy homeless woman who was about to attack kate, but hey, i didnt know it was a woman so i dont count that one.)
i just spent a few hours drinking tea with my brother discussing the traits of our father we see in ourselves, and i mentioned how i received an email from one of my other ex-gfs this morning (happy birfday, morgan) who made a comment about this entire "character assassination" campaign lindsie has been on. how immediately she takes to trying to fuck my friends because she knows how much it will hurt me. and hey, ive taken a lot of blows during this thing but the one i simply will not stand by and ignore are these allusions of violence towards women. any and all girlfriends will vouch for this and anyone who truly knows me or my character will know that i would sooner shoot myself in the face than raise a hand to a woman. i take great pride in the fact that is one of the few traditions of my father that will end with me, so i take any accusations of the like to be more than insulting and offensive but rotten and indicative of a person with a black soul.
also, if you guys could do my a favor and please do not email her or try to contact her in any way. please dont IM her, email her, visit her site or hack her accounts. she thrives on the attention and it is only making things worse on my end. and while i apologize that my hand has been forced to defend myself on something as so public as this, the best thing we can all do is to ignore her and hope that she moves on to the next rockstar.
again, i apologize that i have to even write this but i hope you understand.
thank you,
christopher
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| one two whoop whoop |
[06 Dec 2009|04:25pm] |
"it was nice seeing you guys, especially you"
exchange of numbers.
"we should hang out"
this could be interesting...
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| rah rah ah ah ah |
[06 Dec 2009|04:48pm] |
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christmas is sooon. life is good. i have great friends who i dont see very often but i still love them. im a bit of a loner at home right now because of being laid off from my job but its still awesome. no snow yet here. these sentences dont make much sense but i dont really have much to say
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| guido |
[05 Dec 2009|06:15pm] |
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Mtv's Jersey Shore......<3
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| losing the battle to win the war. |
[05 Dec 2009|03:20pm] |
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have you ever been sitting alone on a train or in a window of a coffeeshop thinking to yourself about how one day you will write "that" blog post? the one you know is coming. the one that is so inevitable you plan out the beginning, middle and end. what lines you would use and what would leave the most impact upon your readers?
this is that post.
its exactly how i expected it to end, you know? most of you are familiar with my last girlfriend. whether you met her at a speaking or from my writings, you know just how much i felt for her and the depths of my belief in her broken life. hell, a good chunk of my 3rd book, notes from the deep end, was about her. to say that i loved her would be an understatement. 3.5 years of never-ending infatuation. one would think there comes a point, especially in long relationships, where the light stops shining. that that person becomes a simple prop in your life. couch, television, girlfriend, nightstand. but she wasnt. i still watched her sleep and was amazed by her laughter. i touched her as often as she would allow and i would hold her even when she didnt hold me back. i paid for her, i supported her in directions most men wouldnt and i accepted her past because like ive always maintained, i judge a person based upon who they present to me now and what they desire to become. i knew it was a huge risk. everyone told me so. from you, to my friends to her friends to my family to her family. but im sure you guys know how it goes. no one sees how it is in the dark. in bed at 3am when they are so willing and vulnerable and talk of dreams and aspirations. you didnt see that. her. in the light of that darkness, you didnt see that little girl.
despite the odds, i fought for her. i believed in her even when she gave me every reason not to.
i talk a lot about believing in people because very few people have believed in me. i have this idealistic notion that maybe if i give back more than ive gotten that i can make my corner a little better. but like an abused animal that you take in, when it bites you because thats all it knows, you cant really be surprised.
i know some of you follow her writing. i havent read any of it since the post that was 60% truth, 20% exaggerating and 20% lies. but again, its how i expected this to one day go down. just sucks that this is all so public. but hey, its my fault for putting so much out there. the consequences for making this a window into my private life. but i havent really addressed it. i wanted to try and be the bigger man and hold my head up despite the mud-slinging. but for those of you who actually follow the drama and entertainment show, i feel that i am allowed to state my position. and really, its just a fucking blog, right?
i guess what im really getting at is the fact that i just cant shake feeling like a fool. i went against my good judgment and the combined opinion of the people i trust the most. i didnt take my own advice and this is why i ended up getting bitten in the end.
but i wont die. i will laugh today like i did yesterday and i will heal soon enough and i will thrash forward once again. and one day i will meet someone who knows how to say "thank you". someone who will hug me first. someone who will text me goodnight. someone who wont steal from me. someone who will appreciate the emails, the texts, the kisses, the little surprises. someone who will welcome me in their bed. someone who wont go try and fuck my friends the instant we break up. i will believe in someone again.
and i will continue to walk into the burning houses of women. and i will still hold them when they dont want to be held. and i will still hold out this dented and rusted brown heart of mine. because just like the ones that tried years ago, and the ones before that and the ones before that... none of you fuckers broke that shit. not one. and even after giving this thing every ounce of energy i had. year after demoralizing year saying, "all i am is a boy asking you to love him." i am ready, willing and eager to fight another war.
because all this fighting and believing will pay off one day.
it has to.
and today is a good day. because today marks something special.
the day that i stop hurting and begin healing.
that made me smile.
I don't regret the time we spent, but I do regret the day we met.
Because I've learned my lesson and I've learned it well, now there's no more secrets for you to tell.
For all it's worth. I'm still dreaming and feeling without you.
-bookworm, kid dynamite
- and i still kept your story in the book because its one of the last good memories i have of you.
even you cant take that from me.
11x17 poster
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| who wants to come meet princess gia in person? |
[04 Dec 2009|02:04am] |
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december 27th, 2009.
4pm - 6pm.
free - as a thank you to all of you who have supported me over the years.
USA skate center (AKA: mainstreet USA)
1303 Naperville Drive
Romeoville, IL 60446
Phone: (630) 759-1711
no beef or you'll get tossed. hard.
all 80s music. bring your niece.
i am.
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| welcome to adulthood. |
[02 Dec 2009|03:00am] |
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the last time i went to the doctor for a check up was probably somewhere around 1991. i have this aversion to letting anyone tell me how to fix my body, this goes for dentists especially. i mean, what is this 1482? do you really still have to use drills that actually FEEL LIKE DRILLS?!?
man on the moon.
movies download directly to my laptop.
my phone can turn on my television.
cars literally speak to me and you're going to tell me there is no way to get a root canal that doesnt make you want to punch a kitten in the face? fuck you, bub. i want nothing to do with your butchery, tyvm.
so my family has a history of heart disease. lots of people died really young because of this. i was born with a heart murmur which they told me it may or may not be a big deal but that throughout the course of my life i should get it looked at often. to which i said, nope. im also a grown ass man with a terrible sleep disorder and acid reflux. sigh. either way, all of this was enough to cause my mother to call her doctor and make me an appointment. so i reluctantly waltz in there and wrote this on the medical history chart:
"they tell me i was born with a heart murmur. apparently, it went away for my 8th grade physical then it came back in high school. i really dont know if im messed up or the doctors are but its all types of weird."
but everything came back good. we have a plan for my sleep that im trying tonight (note the bedtime!) and i was told that my heart murmur is gone. he told me, "its a non-issue." cool, i suppose. but then they took my blood and uh, i found out i have high cholesterol. oh fuck me. hes like, "well, you're supposed to be at 100 for bad cholesterol levels, and you're at 176." are you fucking serious? then he grabbed my mid-section (any girls who have previously dated me know how much i LOVE that, grrr) and said that i wasnt overweight so it must be genetic. cool. thanks again, dad.
so you know my paranoid ass went out and bought a ton of oatmeal and some herbal oil pills to make sure that shit looks respectable when i roll back through in a month because ill be damned if i have to take that lipitrol bullshit like those balding grey-headed old fucks. i mean, what would 7-seconds do, right? would you take a dude seriously if he was on top of a crowd, finger pointing, while screaming, "im gonna stay young until i die," after he just downed his daily lipitor pill to help maintain healthy cholesterol levels?
basically, what im trying to tell you is that pizza and hot dogs?... pretty much out of the question. as if life couldnt get any more rad.
- in other news:
if you live around chicago or will be in town you might want to keep december 20th, from 4-6pm open. ill tell you why soon.
- i am also featured in some book that came out today called 'we feel fine'. to be completely honest i dont know what the hell its about but they contacted me over a year ago to use a picture and a quote from me. all i know is it makes me sound way arrogant, so thats cool:
- also, my latest art installation:
- also, ive been totally obsessed with missing persons lately.
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| sleepless nights |
[01 Dec 2009|02:15am] |
fuck i cant sleep, i havnt been able to fall asleep until like 4am for the past week.
i need to fix my pattern up.
so i know what im getting everyone for xmas!! im very happy about that, and im especially happy about the present im giving to myself...hah im going to get my tattoo all outlined!!! whee. Ashley toal is going to be squirrels on wesnday and im thinking about brining in what i want and getting a price on it, depending what he quotes it as, ill make the appointment and get him to make the drawing up!! whee.
then im going to work my panties off for the next months and make as much money as i possibly can so ill have all the money i need for cuba!!
god im so pumped for that trip.
also i need to get information about volunteering at templemead. Cuz im going to take a shot and try and get in with the school board for when im done college.
oh life.
just let me sleep sound.
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| "you smile like you mean it. i smile because you need it." |
[29 Nov 2009|10:37pm] |
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my tolerance is gone. i hung up on the lady who attempted to take my sushi order but asked how to spell my name too many times. ordered something completely different. my mood, my tastes were affected by the misunderstandings of a woman. actually, i was so frustrated that even now the thought of sushi makes me angry.
im not like this. i am not this guy. i sit in the same spot on the couch and brood like some teenage cliche. im that roommate. the one who never moves off the couch. i see the texts and calls inviting me out. offering solace.
"hey dude, lets get you out of the apartment."
each one is a tiny bright spark. a reminder that i truly do surround myself with good people. but they cant help. you cant help. they take me out, they move me around, they make me forget and allow me to find myself. but the thought of putting on a pair of running shoes or going to some social gathering is more than i can stomach. it takes all i have to walk the two blocks to the starbucks to get my green tea and yesterday i sat in a purple chair up against the wall without headphones and stared at the floor wondering how good would it feel to just curl up in a ball and lay there. not so much out of pity, not so much for my loss and not even out of the pain, but out of the frustration of knowing there is no one, no where that can make this better. none of you. oh and god i would love it if you could. i would give any of you everything i have if you could take this away. to make me whole. to give me back and get me back. make this happen and i am truly in your debt.
i opened a window to purchase plane tickets to anywhere since i have frequent flyer miles and credits just waiting to be used. i stared at a map and thought about renting a car and driving to nowhere. i mapped out what couches would have me and what cities had the biggest and brightest distractions. i closed my laptop, put a pillow over my head and whispered, "it wont be so bad in the morning. it wont be so bad in the morning."
its funny to read all these words, all these posts, all the books and think they were my fingers. its easy to be positive when the sun is shining, your moms invites you over for dinner and you have a little money in your pocket. but maybe thats what they are. not books for you, but for me. letters written in the past for a injured future. to bring me back and remind me of the person that i am.
because all of the hate, spite and animosity... all of the terrible words, evil texts and ugly threats. all the accusations, exaggerations and outright lies, yeah, they fucking sting. but i refuse to sink to that level, it would only make this so much worse and prolong this detour on my journey and ive got things to see. and character shines through during the darkest of times and honey, your light is out.
and my nights may be long and my songs my be ruined and my pillow may be my only confidant... but i havent given in to those terrible thoughts just yet. and if i make it out of this alive its only because i truly believed those words i wrote with these very same fingers.
because i truly am unbreakable.
for her.
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| since 1994. |
[28 Nov 2009|09:29pm] |
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i didnt know her all that well, only that she was the best friend of my current crush and loved the dog sidekick of the popular cartoon cat, garfield. i dont think we spoke. ever. but the night before my mother brought home a package of stickers for me from the store. one side was garfield, the other, odie, the canine sidekick.
i fucking loved garfield. some of my fondest memories of elementary school were when we were handed the newsprint arrow flyer selling overpriced childrens books. i would run home and circle damn near every book about bugs, choosing my own adventure and, of course, garfield. that damn cat seemed to put out a book every 6 weeks and you wore your garfield completest collection like a badge of honor. but i simply couldnt stand that fucking dog. always so clueless with his stupid tongue hanging out, he irritated the shit out of me. he was a patsy and a moron and i was in the smart kid classes and had felt the growth spurt in my superiority complex. i had no time for his stupidity and i certainly didnt want his dopy face emblazoned across my return of the jedi trapper keeper.
i left the house 15 minutes earlier than usual the next morning so i could get a closer spot to the school doors. why it was some kind of honor to be the first through the door and into class was beyond me. school was only a 7 hour penalty box preventing me from egging the house next door, attempting to poison the neighborhood dogs and playing politically incorrect named games of 'grab and tackle' in my front yard. i had no aspirations of being there one minute longer than i had to be.
the bell rang, the doors unlocked and i raced in. sticker folder in my right hand. i ran up to the second level where our smart kid classrooms were separated from the commoners, looked around and noted i arrived even before the teacher. i paged through the folder; past the scratch n sniffs, past the puffy stickers and the coveted star wars stickers until i came to the garbage section reserved for stickers used solely for trades. i rushed to find the right sticker sheet. slowly people began filing in. i needed to hurry. i pulled out the odie sticker sheet, ran over to gretchens desk and placed it under her name tag then ran back to my desk. terry saw. terry the rat who told the teacher about the time i tried setting the school on fire (not intentionally) and the time i carried a butcher knife to school in my jeans. if i could find that dude now as a grown man i promise he would walk away with a black eye. gretchen walked in and started taking her coat off to hang on the green hooks that aligned the wall. i saw the evil grin grow across terrys face as gretchen walked back to her desk. she stood for a minute, looked down at the stickers, looked up and side to side before she asked to anyone who would listen who had put them on her desk. terry immediately shouted, "chris did!"
my face ran hot with blood and tears began to uncontrollably well up in my eyes as 25 kids pointed and laughed.
someone blurted out, "chris loves gretchen."
i sat at my desk looking at my lap and i said nothing as they laughed and said, "ooooooooh."
the first attempted altruistic moment of my life, ruined. i just wanted to look across a room and know i put a smile on someones face. i wanted to make someone feel what i would feel when my mother would make me feel like i was the worlds most wonderful little boy simply by being alive and breathing every day. i was young and clumsy. it was a sheet of stickers and a few minutes of embarrassment. but after the last bell rang and the laughing subsided and the tears were absorbed back into my eyeballs, i looked up and saw gretchen holding the stickers and smiling. she looked across the room at me and i immediately looked away. i felt hot needles of shame around my neck so i waited to move until the teacher instructed us to sit on the floor in a circle to prepare for show and tell. i got up from my desk and sat down on the floor. i looked at gretchen and she was still holding the stickers. i smiled. she looked up and smiled back. it was a feeling that has never left me. not the selfish appreciation or satisfaction but knowing that somewhere within my damaged machine i have the ability to put a smile on someones face no matter how fucked my life is. and i like knowing that the smiles of the world are my inspiration. to not give up. to not give in. and to never lose steam.
deadxstop fanzine # 7
demonstrative monsters B-sides
december 2009
free
kind of.
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| the real notes from the deep end. |
[26 Nov 2009|04:32am] |
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they say that holidays are the worst. it never made sense to me until today. because before this last relationship i never felt that i had my own family. but i felt it. all the rest were simply "girlfriends", but she was a future i wanted so badly but could never have. i knew it, but it never changed how many betrayals i was willing to forgive because all i wanted was for her to wake up one day, roll over and say, "fine, yes. i will be in love with you forever."
to have someone look at you with a future reflected in their eyes has got to be the greatest feeling of all time. but to have two separate creatures feeling the same levels of infatuation, trust and wonderment, its sad to think of just how rare it is.
to think of how it all could have been fixed, been everything everyone wanted in a matter of a handful of seconds and a well thought out paragraph. to think that things could have been better if the touch was longer, the kiss was more real and the words weren't lies.
i am loose. i am floating in this open water holding my breath in fear of saying her name. in wondering where she is. in completely abstaining from reading her words and listening to her voice. i have lost my half. the one person i shared a bed with that i thought was legitimately cool. like, fucking cool. but i want to feel loved. and i want to be paid what i am worth. just once. just once i want to love someone with the same intensity that they love me. i am terrified that one day i will wake up at the age of 83 and finally concede and pick the least shitty one out of the old folks home or the homeless shelter that i call home.
but im just being over-dramatic. its what the 4am bedside light does to me. and when i wake up and open my laptop and read this i will feel slightly embarrassed because like ive always maintained, no one needs to hear 'woe is me' journal rants anymore. let the professionals do it because they make what we feel sound more eloquent and valid. but what i want you to know is that this is real. these are the real insecurities of a grown ass man before he goes to sleep. tours and books and friends, none of that changes the terror of hearing that click of the bedside light and knowing i have to lie here alone in darkness with an uncertain future and no one who will even listen to the vocalization of those fears. another night typing away in to the void of the internet. i dont even really know who is listening anymore. and tonight, im typing away like i did in 2002 when i had a deadjournal and knew no one was reading. and someday i will have that love again. even if it takes another 30 years to find it, i will. and i will never let her go. i will never let a single day go by in which she doesnt know she is loved. and she will be the one to break all the spells and help me slay my dragons and i will tell her that she is wonderful and stunning in my eyes and in my heart and i will stare at her long after her eyes begin to flutter and the sun begins to light up the room and i will whisper to her over and over again, "i want no one but you."
i will get through this. all i have to do is to continue to go to sleep and continue to wake up. over and over, again and again. but until then there will be a constant stream of tossing and turning and stomach nots that begin with that click of the light. so i spend hours reading and rereading your blogs and i waste time typing words that delay the inevitable.
goodnight.
click.
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| x-mas list |
[26 Nov 2009|12:12am] |
faux chanel purse
kelly osbourne fierce
whores on the hill
new moon soundtrack
money
tequila.
that is all.
xoxo
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